Myth #1: Forgiveness means reconciling with the offender.
It doesn’t. There is confusion between forgiveness – a private healing experience you have just for you – and reconciliation – some kind of talk or confrontation with the offender, to sort things out. Most people cannot do this! In our model, you let go of your resentment but you do not have to talk to or see the offender again, if that is your choice. You do not have to ask for, or grant, forgiveness in an interaction with another person. (That is reconciliation.)
Myth #2: We should forgive and forget.
Nobody can really do that, nor should we. We need to forgive and remember, forgive and grow smarter, forgive and say NO, forgive and have new boundaries, forgive and remember what is true about the other person – in other words, have a new and realistic approach to how we relate to the offender, and no longer entertain unrealistic expectations about them.
Myth #3: Forgiveness is hard to do, and it takes a long time to do it.
It isn’t, and it doesn’t. You must learn how to forgive, and “just do it,” with ample support. You learned how to brush your teeth, and you learned how to drive a car, and now you use those skills which improve your life, every day. Forgiveness is a skill that can be taught: you need to take some time to educate yourself about it, and then when you are finally ready to do it, it doesn’t take that long. The average amount of time it takes for a moderate-sized offense is 45 minutes!
Myth #4: There are some things that are unforgiveable.
There aren’t. Because when you forgive someone, you are not saying that what they did was OK. Wrong is wrong. What you are saying is, “Even though you did this terribly wrong thing to me, I deserve to heal myself of the negative impact of your actions, and move on into a happy life again.” Forgiveness is a powerful self-healing experience – who doesn’t want that?
Myth#5: You have to be a saint to be able to forgive something big.
In a way, the media does a disservice to the public by only featuring stories of someone forgiving something dramatic or horrific, like someone reconciling with the murderer of their child, or a church community publicly forgiving the shooter of children on a playground, etc. Viewers think, Oh wow. That person is amazing. I could never do that. And they continue to carry around resentments about their spouse, their boss, their childhood – never making the connection that forgiveness is something they need to do, to make their own daily life better, now.